Is it January Yet?
Temperment: Bored
Record: "Grand Theft Autumn/Where is Your Boy? (Acoustic Version" By Fall Out Boy

I really like this song.

I was sitting around and thinking that I lead a pretty bland, lonely, slightly unfullfiling life. I think it's something a lot of people conclude at this age. I'm not really doing anything to productive you know. I'm...kinda doing that whole building the future thing that you're suppose to do. It's always been difficult for me to function in the future gear. I have to look at the future and then somehow applt it to the here and now. Kurt always tells me that he doesn't understand why I get so fired up about class and things. I guess I'll have to explain that because really no one knows what the hell is going on with me much less myself.

My personal life, as par norm, isn't that great. I actually find myself thinking about Daniel a lot lately. He really made me happy before we self destructed. He really surprised me. Anyway one day, not too long ago I finally snapped and had a good cry day. It was one of those days where NOTHING seemed to pan out. I believe it was a Tuesday as well. For those of you who know I pull an almost 12 straigth academic shift on those days. I think it was a day were a lot of stuff was due two and I do believe that I have mastered the art of writing 20 pages overnight. Anyway afterward I called Kurt and I made him come to the library with me. I've almost permanetly moved into the catacombs of the place. I usually take Kurt with me because the quiet bothers me and so he can hold books while I move around. He's kinda...like a purse. Anyway I remember freakin' diving in and not wanting to be interrupted for hours. I even snapped at Quita--which I think I've maybe done once or twice before. It's really rare.

Anyway the point I am clumsily trying to make is that...that's really the only thing I'm good at. The book thing, as my cousins so eloquently call it. I always do that. Everytime something bad happens I go hide in the Literature. The only thing I can say is that I'm glad I decided to do it as my major. My parents tried to talk me out of it all the time. But Damnit it's the only thing I'm really any good at.

A friend of mine asked me once if he failed at what he was trying to do withhis life what he should do. He said, that if if didn't pan out that he would probably join the army and wait for a stray bullet to find him and put him out of his misery.

How many of can look at that statement and go hell yeah I know what you're talking about. I know Quita understands. How often do you ask yourself why you're doing stuff and the answer is because no one else does, or because it's expected, or because it's what you're suppose to do? What the hell is beyond that? How many of us stay in relationships or end them because people expected us to or something like that? How many of us want to stpo doing shit for everybody else and take a minute for ourselves.

I know I don't...

I don't like being alone. The whole semester I would always have Quita or Kurt with me. I'm very truly and frankly petrified of being alone. Because when you're alone you have to deal with yourself. I don't know about you guys but I really don't like my own company. I always beat myself up. I think about what I could have dont differently in a million situations, I wonder why things didn't work the way I wanted them to, I wander why I am the way I am...and let me tell you that's the quickest way to finding a barrel to your temple. I 'm sure this is all old news to a lot of you guys.

I miss the pressure. I miss school. I miss not having to think about how fucked up I am. I miss not having to pretend that everything is hunky dorey and when someone took the 5 seconds to ask just writing it off as class. Or Sleeping not cause you're bored or tired but just so you can fill in the void space.

A few nights ago I couldn't sleep and I started looking at the Angel Sanctuary art book that Kurt got me for Christmas. It really made me feel a lot better. There is this neat interview at the end of the book with Kaouri Yuki. I didn't finish it but it was intersting. She talks about things being beautiful and elegant but creepy and grotesque or just depressing.I think that's why I like her work. Kurt says I like sad things. Daniel said that I dwell in my sadness and that I dont understand happy people. If someone asked me why I liked MCR so much it would have to be... that I liked them before I saw them, but the minute I saw Gerard scream in a video--I was hooked. He managed to look how I felt most of the time. Plus his inerviews kick ass. And Co&Cam well hands down I loved them before but Claudio won me over in his interviews.H.I.M. well Valio sings about love...in the most mad sense at times...impossible love.

So where the hell does this sadness come from? I'll be damned if I know. I'd love to say that I had some great tragedy happen in recent days and say there's the pinpoint place where it all went downhill but I have no such thing.

It's funny how people are...we track out lives with turmoil and war. That's how we tell history. When the shit hits the fan you know? That's how people tell their lives too you know? At least me...Dad left here, here, and here, Grandpa died, Mom mentally checked out, had shitty relationship with so and so, stopped being friend with thie or that person, moved, moved, moved.

How many people are packers I wonder. How many people when they have a probelm they just shove it away and say they'll deal with it later but never do. I know I am. I never want to deal with a big problem right away. I have to physically do something and give myself time to deal with the shock and then think of a solution later. I also hate people that focus on problems. Complain, complain, complain never have solutions...almost everything has a solution....and if you give it a while it'll come. And if you can't find a solution then I guess you just pack it away and say you'll find one later...maybe...or just pretend it didn't happen. I wonder if that's running away.

So what the fuck am I really talking about. I don't know man. I'm just having a brain dump. Here it is like it or not. Why the hell am I having a freakin Walker Percy-esque mid-life crisit breakdown at 19? Can someone please tell me?